The Depressed Vagina Club

I would love to write a post about “How To Can Peaches”, or “Americana: Past, Present, Future”, or maybe a nice book review. However, the wiring in my brain doesn’t work that way and I’m happily oblivious of how to “can” anything.

It has been a bipolar week of emotions and thoughts, chill-pill gummies were nowhere to be found and my funny bone fled the scene. I’m blaming it all on my Vagina. It has been temperamental and highly irritated lately. Complaining to no end and acting like a spoiled brat. Maybe a pick me up is needed, a dinner date or a new outfit. Though I did recently discover my vagina was a card-carrying member of the Depressed Vagina Club.

According to urban myth Vagina’s are magic boxes imbued with mythical and magical powers. Powers to hypnotize men into wars, murderous rages and irresponsible behaviors. I would suspect two other forces might have a hand in those affairs, Jack Daniels or Jim Beam. It is rumored that mixing the powers of Jack or Jim with Vagina, will produce various beliefs that give a person the ability to dance exceptionally well, increased intelligence, enhance decision-making abilities and financial stability. Though I would again suspect this is just a RUMOR.

Throughout history the Vagina has been given various names and meanings. Hence how the “The Dark Ages” got their name. Thankfully the 70’s brought the Vagina back into the mainstream and out of the Doris Day era where it was illegal to talk about it and punishable by death to enjoy it.

Kardasian Powerhouse

Kardasian Powerhouse

Thanks to women like Michelle Obama, Hillary Clinton, Sharon Stone, Perez Hilton, Brittany Spears and The Kardasians, the Vagina is a powerhouse. She can walk proud now, even be seen in public, without being hunted down like a Witch in Salem. The Vagina goes to college, can run for the US Presidency, is CEO of Fortune 500 companies, curses like a sailor and demands equal rights and her own professional sports teams.

As with any greatness, there are downsides. Vagina’s are also high maintenance. They get irritated quickly and with little provocation. They can act irrationally and are often weakened by physical ailments. They take care and consideration and are often misunderstood and mistreated. They can easily be confused with others and callously compared as well. Even well-behaved Vagina’s have bad days, and in fact have been known to go “tits up” without notice.

These issues fueled the establishment of the Depressed Vagina Club. Initially the club acted as a support group for non-functioning Vagina owners. As time passed, necessity prompted the addition of the “fakers” group and the “not enough of a good thing” group. Over the years the club has expanded to include many support networks such as; dry-spells, broken, taken-for-granted and itchy, to name a few. For further information feel free to contact the Director at 1-800-Vag-Help. There is a 24-hour emergency help line for those with immediate needs.


To Those She Left Behind

TrinaThis is a blog I wrote four years ago when my best friend of 32 years died of Ovarian Cancer.  It is the anniversary of her death tomorrow and I decided to share it once again, in remembrance.  Morbid, but we write what we know.  She was a grand soul who brought laughter to many lives.  R.I.P. my dearest friend.

Trina Diane Rodgers, an amazing soul was brought into this world on September 19, 1968. Trina fought the battle of a lifetime ,Ovarian Cancer, and finally gave up the fight on 18 October 2007. Trina leaves behind Aaron, her son; Rachel, her daughter, three sisters (Kim, Tabitha and Sue) , brother David, her mother and step-father, niece Maria and a family of friends, co-workers and school-mates. Trina, known by all for her sense of humor and resilient human-spirit even in the face of all odds, will be forever missed by all.

That’s the simple side of things. How do you sum up a person in 300 spaces or less? How do you tell the world how this person changed your life? How one person held such a large piece of your reality? Have you ever had a friend that you told all to? That knew every nook and cranny of your psyche and still loved you? That could tell by a sigh that something was on your mind. Trina and I talked at least 3 times per day. At work and after work. Either way..there was always something to talk about. Kids, marriage, death, work, cancer, fighting the odds, pain management, friends, love, sex, name it. She was a friend to all. She had an amazing spirit, free, humorous, and a positive outlook on life.

This one person who knew all my secrets, took them to the grave. The one person that wasn’t afraid to be honest, even when it hurt. To not agree no matter how bad I wanted her to. Thirty two years of friendship came down to just holding hands.

Shoulda, coulda, woulda. Not words to live by that’s for sure. Watching the friends come visit her, to hold her hand, to cry for the loss. To see her wonderful sister Kim hold so strong, for everyone else. Judi, sitting by her side, weeping softly, as she is the tender soul, the mother in all of us. Aaron, so young, so strong of spirit, wanting to pull the cancer out of her body, to make her whole again. She loved him so much, was so proud, wished him every success and wept at his self-inflicted pain, taking it as her own. Knowing without a doubt he would be successful, whole, loved. Wishing the best of all worlds for Rachel, the daughter she gave to a better life than she could offer so many years ago. Hearing her speak of the daughter she had not seen in so many years, with pride, protective mother instincts, love and longing for a different path.

Watching her through the years..fighting with her, loving each other, growing up and learning. She helped me find myself on many an occasion. She gave comfort to many without judgement.Trina in Scarf

She held out on love, waiting for Mr. Right. Passing Mr. Okay up many a time. Her hilarious laughter, we could always find a dose of that. She loved to dance. She learned to kick box. She learned to make the most fantastic no-nut banana bread. She learned tact and trust and love and forgiveness. She was a woman who learned to listen to her body, the world around her. She loved long hair and hated her hair short. She taught me to drink coffee and how to be a better friend. She found the love of painting (Bob Ross), her beautiful lab, Precious, another child to her.

So many memories, thousands in fact. I’m just finding it impossible to process this. Tonight I walked over to the phone to call tell her all the news. I remembered she would not answer.

I wish for one more hug, one more “what’s up my biotch?”. The void seems like it will swallow me whole right now. Where is that rewind button when you need it? How do I move forward when my feet seem to be frozen. When does the crashing wave of grief let me breathe?

She did not want us to mourn for her, but to celebrate all she did and what she lived for, LIFE. Don’t look back because tomorrow is here soon enough.

With love and deepest sadness I say goodbye to this amazing woman. I will forever miss you Trina, my dearest friend.

The Game of Life- 21st Century Update

My funny bone has healed somewhat and I’m ready to write a “bit”. Recently I played the game “Life”. It had been years, since I was a teenager, that we pulled that game out of the closet. My whole family used to play games, Yahtzee, Life, Parcheesi, Trivial Pursuit. That was about the same time Nintendo hit the market, when no one could afford to buy it and kids still played outside all day. Yeah..and wagons were a common site in our Amish village.

I fondly remember the game, we used to fight over the color cars and lose count as to who’s turn it was. Vivid memories of freaking my father out when I put a new spin on the family game and took a pink peg as my “spouse”. The fun I had with that reaction.

For those who don’t remember the game (you must be about 10 yrs old then) it’s a board game where you move through various life events (marriage, buying a house, babies, paydays, winning lotteries, trees falling on cars, night school, more babies, insurance claims, taxes, etc) Pretty on target for the 60’s – 80’s eras. Well we have come a long way baby and a few suggestions on updating the game came up while playing. Ideas that seemed to more in tune with families today. Just keeping it “real”.

You car is hit by a meteor or unknown alien vessel and is NOT covered by insurance because you don’t have Geico
Your spouse has an affair with the groomer
You discover your spouse is on “the down low” and wearing your clothes
Teen pregnancies (multiples)
You are carjacked for your 1980 Honda Accord, again, no Geico, pay 5,000 to replace the stereo
You loose 45,000 a year job due to downsizing, and start selling crack for 90,000
Get treatment for chlamydia at free clinic, no charge
Your drunk neighbor falls on your porch and sues you for 100,000, you pay 200,000
Get second mortgage to pay for community college for oldest daughter (50,000)
Pay for counseling for son, he thinks he is IN a video game (pay 5,000)
Sex change operation for son (therapy was a bust) pay 100,000
Pay for therapy for father after son’s surgery (6,000)
Choose career as Teacher (35,000 annual pay)
Daughter becomes a stripper (1,000 a night).
Your life becomes a reality show and is cancelled after third season (250,000) your friends now hate you
Breast Augmentation, pay 15,000 or do it cheap for 8,000
Join Jenny Craig for 12 weeks pay 2,000
Life is it large!