The Depressed Vagina Club

I would love to write a post about “How To Can Peaches”, or “Americana: Past, Present, Future”, or maybe a nice book review. However, the wiring in my brain doesn’t work that way and I’m happily oblivious of how to “can” anything.

It has been a bipolar week of emotions and thoughts, chill-pill gummies were nowhere to be found and my funny bone fled the scene. I’m blaming it all on my Vagina. It has been temperamental and highly irritated lately. Complaining to no end and acting like a spoiled brat. Maybe a pick me up is needed, a dinner date or a new outfit. Though I did recently discover my vagina was a card-carrying member of the Depressed Vagina Club.

According to urban myth Vagina’s are magic boxes imbued with mythical and magical powers. Powers to hypnotize men into wars, murderous rages and irresponsible behaviors. I would suspect two other forces might have a hand in those affairs, Jack Daniels or Jim Beam. It is rumored that mixing the powers of Jack or Jim with Vagina, will produce various beliefs that give a person the ability to dance exceptionally well, increased intelligence, enhance decision-making abilities and financial stability. Though I would again suspect this is just a RUMOR.

Throughout history the Vagina has been given various names and meanings. Hence how the “The Dark Ages” got their name. Thankfully the 70’s brought the Vagina back into the mainstream and out of the Doris Day era where it was illegal to talk about it and punishable by death to enjoy it.

Kardasian Powerhouse

Kardasian Powerhouse

Thanks to women like Michelle Obama, Hillary Clinton, Sharon Stone, Perez Hilton, Brittany Spears and The Kardasians, the Vagina is a powerhouse. She can walk proud now, even be seen in public, without being hunted down like a Witch in Salem. The Vagina goes to college, can run for the US Presidency, is CEO of Fortune 500 companies, curses like a sailor and demands equal rights and her own professional sports teams.

As with any greatness, there are downsides. Vagina’s are also high maintenance. They get irritated quickly and with little provocation. They can act irrationally and are often weakened by physical ailments. They take care and consideration and are often misunderstood and mistreated. They can easily be confused with others and callously compared as well. Even well-behaved Vagina’s have bad days, and in fact have been known to go “tits up” without notice.

These issues fueled the establishment of the Depressed Vagina Club. Initially the club acted as a support group for non-functioning Vagina owners. As time passed, necessity prompted the addition of the “fakers” group and the “not enough of a good thing” group. Over the years the club has expanded to include many support networks such as; dry-spells, broken, taken-for-granted and itchy, to name a few. For further information feel free to contact the Director at 1-800-Vag-Help. There is a 24-hour emergency help line for those with immediate needs.


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