To Those She Left Behind

TrinaThis is a blog I wrote four years ago when my best friend of 32 years died of Ovarian Cancer.  It is the anniversary of her death tomorrow and I decided to share it once again, in remembrance.  Morbid, but we write what we know.  She was a grand soul who brought laughter to many lives.  R.I.P. my dearest friend.

Trina Diane Rodgers, an amazing soul was brought into this world on September 19, 1968. Trina fought the battle of a lifetime ,Ovarian Cancer, and finally gave up the fight on 18 October 2007. Trina leaves behind Aaron, her son; Rachel, her daughter, three sisters (Kim, Tabitha and Sue) , brother David, her mother and step-father, niece Maria and a family of friends, co-workers and school-mates. Trina, known by all for her sense of humor and resilient human-spirit even in the face of all odds, will be forever missed by all.

That’s the simple side of things. How do you sum up a person in 300 spaces or less? How do you tell the world how this person changed your life? How one person held such a large piece of your reality? Have you ever had a friend that you told all to? That knew every nook and cranny of your psyche and still loved you? That could tell by a sigh that something was on your mind. Trina and I talked at least 3 times per day. At work and after work. Either way..there was always something to talk about. Kids, marriage, death, work, cancer, fighting the odds, pain management, friends, love, sex, name it. She was a friend to all. She had an amazing spirit, free, humorous, and a positive outlook on life.

This one person who knew all my secrets, took them to the grave. The one person that wasn’t afraid to be honest, even when it hurt. To not agree no matter how bad I wanted her to. Thirty two years of friendship came down to just holding hands.

Shoulda, coulda, woulda. Not words to live by that’s for sure. Watching the friends come visit her, to hold her hand, to cry for the loss. To see her wonderful sister Kim hold so strong, for everyone else. Judi, sitting by her side, weeping softly, as she is the tender soul, the mother in all of us. Aaron, so young, so strong of spirit, wanting to pull the cancer out of her body, to make her whole again. She loved him so much, was so proud, wished him every success and wept at his self-inflicted pain, taking it as her own. Knowing without a doubt he would be successful, whole, loved. Wishing the best of all worlds for Rachel, the daughter she gave to a better life than she could offer so many years ago. Hearing her speak of the daughter she had not seen in so many years, with pride, protective mother instincts, love and longing for a different path.

Watching her through the years..fighting with her, loving each other, growing up and learning. She helped me find myself on many an occasion. She gave comfort to many without judgement.Trina in Scarf

She held out on love, waiting for Mr. Right. Passing Mr. Okay up many a time. Her hilarious laughter, we could always find a dose of that. She loved to dance. She learned to kick box. She learned to make the most fantastic no-nut banana bread. She learned tact and trust and love and forgiveness. She was a woman who learned to listen to her body, the world around her. She loved long hair and hated her hair short. She taught me to drink coffee and how to be a better friend. She found the love of painting (Bob Ross), her beautiful lab, Precious, another child to her.

So many memories, thousands in fact. I’m just finding it impossible to process this. Tonight I walked over to the phone to call tell her all the news. I remembered she would not answer.

I wish for one more hug, one more “what’s up my biotch?”. The void seems like it will swallow me whole right now. Where is that rewind button when you need it? How do I move forward when my feet seem to be frozen. When does the crashing wave of grief let me breathe?

She did not want us to mourn for her, but to celebrate all she did and what she lived for, LIFE. Don’t look back because tomorrow is here soon enough.

With love and deepest sadness I say goodbye to this amazing woman. I will forever miss you Trina, my dearest friend.