There are days that you should be able to stop the clock, rewind, and start over. I’ll take Rice Krispies please.
Today was one of those days. This is the kind of blog where the %$#@ kind of words would work so well, but then again, who can read @#$%nbsp;
My cat is coughing up a golf ball sized hairball and dinner was old spaghetti. What a great ending to a shitty day.
I won’t bore you with the details …there are to many for my short brain span at this time of night. Let’s just say that Tuesday better dawn bright and sunny or I’m gonna go apply for a job with the post office.
This is where I’m gonna piss a few women off..I’m labelling this my PMS week. It’s part of the bylaws of the other club I belong to, The Depressed Vagina Club. Are you noticing a trend here?
6 AM: If you have never suffered from an abrupt mood swing then here is a small sampling. You wake up Monday morning, 20 minutes late, the dog has pooped on the living room rug, you can’t find your left shoe, the 7-year-old takes 40 minutes to crawl out of bed and only after the 5th reminder, coffee maker went tits up without notice, and you still have to stop for gas and get a second grader to school by 8. No problemo on a usual Monday. But NOOOO today is a little more…the hair is flat, a huge pimple has suddenly decided to take residence up between your eyes, 5 more wrinkles are winking at you beside your left eye (the right looks pretty good), you forgot to shave and now are looking to braid the hair, and the underwire on your bra is now stabbing you in the armpit and it’s your last clean bra.
7:20 AM Well no biggee for a REAL woman! We can handle the simple things. WHAT???? We are OUT of cocoa for my coffee? What the **^% ? Last straw, but the 7-year-old is watching me out of rounded eyes, just looking for that second head.
OFF TO WORK on a 1/4 tank of gas as there is NO time to stop for a fill or a new bra for that matter.
8:00 AM Arriving at work in one piece (miracle no. 2) you notice that there is a line of people outside your door..and it’s Monday. Fax this, email this, sign this, what time is this, or that, and can you please….. NO NO NO.
8:10 AM: You vainly search your purse for that rewind button you saw there just last week. It’s a little yellow thing..how can you miss that? Oh YESSS..there is that overdue water bill..ooops…due by 5 pm today. You stab your finger on an earring you no longer have the match to..but just know you can use it somewhere.
No luck on that rewind button…another time.
8:30 AM Your boss stops at your door…lounging against it, hot cup of java in his hands. What’s up he says? Of course HE is dressed perfectly…not a hair out of place…all 50 of them perfectly at ease.
10 AM: Midmorning break..I’m drinking my cold coffee from this morning and sucking down a cigarette like it’s my last. Breath rushing in and out of my lungs like a marathon runner..it’s my meditation time. Smokers bond..we don’t need to know names..just facts about any intimate secret in your life. If you are a smoker, you know that secret club.
Now by this time some of you are asking…what the hell is the Depressed Vagina Club….? It is for those women who are going through life either not getting enough or to much of a not so good thing (perpetual fakers). For every woman there is a short-term to long-term membership in “The Club”.
5PM: Off work, on the way to pick up my son from daycare.. He’s been involved in a “Fight”..he called a boy a midget while playing tag and another boy had hurt feelings so threw my son to the ground. The teacher explains it’s the same thing..emotional and physical hurting. I quietly rip off her face and piss down her neck. NO problem. Time to find that rewind button.
6PM: Arrive home to humping dogs Such a pleasure..at least someone is getting some.But WAIT!hey are both FIXED!
6:30: Finish threatening my son to finish homework for 50th time, look longingly at bottle of Tylenol PM. Dinner is served
11PM: Finished laundry, vacuumed, dusted, did dishes, clothes ready for tomorrow, updated online emails, posted add for sanity, dyed hair, cleaned bathroom, chatted on the phone, cleaned out garage,scaled Mt Everest, talked to the dead, and drafted plan for international peace treaty. Tylenol PM kicking in..wowowowow…only take 2! Double vision and I think my Vagina is internally dancing..or something. Time for sleep.
540AM: Wake up..on time…Tuesday morning…the sun is shining and Dwayne, The Rock, Johnson is waiting for me in the shower…